I used to really miss being underweight but now I realize that even then I didn’t look tiny so like what’s the point? I just want to be a tiny Lil pixie princess is that too much too ask?
I feel guilty every time someone touches me or sees my body especially when its to bring me pleasure cause I’m pretty much the least attractive piece of shit and I’m really out of shape and body is shaped weird and I look slightly pregnant and lumpy and some of it is newish fat so its all built up in weird places so I’m not overall plump I’m just really huge in the tummy and thigh and face departments and my arms too but slightly less so but like my tits are so freaking tiny, tinier than my pudged out pot belly and my chest is still relatively boney ish. Like defs not anywhere near what I want it to look like but its less gross than certain areas which only makes the bad areas look worse and basically what I’m trying to say is when I have sex it makes me sad that it feels so good because I know that nobody who had to look at me could feel as much pleasure as they make me feel and that’s not fair. I don’t feel like I deserve sex or cuddles or kisses. I dont deserve to be loved and you don’t deserve someone so subpar and unsatisfactory
I’m pretty sure that I am incapable of ever satisfying anyone physically or emotionally, my life was a devastating mistake and I’m afraid that for most people who have had the pleasure of interacting with me its all gone down hill from there
I love dates with my partner but they make me hate myself so much, his life and his body make me sure that I have not earned to calories I’m consuming, that I don’t deserve the food I’m eating, that I shouldn’t be with him. I don’t want to always be the person in the relationship who isn’t good enough, I’m tired of knowing that you are settling for so much less than you deserve